i might as well fucking cut, everything is falling apart. i’m not brave any more, i was doing so well. i might not be happy but i wasn’t hurting myself as much. i’m not sure what to believe from you now, i’m not sure whether it is the truth or whether you’re just dying for attention, which if you are, is pathetic. i can’t even make you happy, you don’t trust me, i’m meant to be your best friend? then you complain i’m not there? there’s nothing else i can do

i’m sorry that you’re yet another person i’m not good enough for

fuck everything

I haven’t actually cut in a while, but today just pushed me off the age. I don’t know why I don’t know what makes me do it I just couldn’t handle it and I resulted in it, yet again. He told me today that since a week ago he’s been cutting regularly. He’s at an early stage so I’m really going to help him stop, despite the fact I know I’ve hard a part to play in triggering him and I can’t put in to enough words how sorry I truly am for that. I’m messed up, I don’t deserve to be here, I want to die.

I’ve got a lot of stress this week. Friday is the big day. I’ve got one of my final maths exams, geography coursework deadline, and also media coursework deadline. I’m dreading it. I’m so stressed out. I can’t focus on anything or complete any work and these headaches are driving me crazy. I have no idea what’s causing them but they’re horrible, so painful. No tablets are working. Although I’m seeing it as a good thing. Because the more tablets I take, the more chance I have of harming myself. That’s how fucked up my head is at the moment. I want to hurt myself, I want to destroy myself. I need to be fucking skinny. I need to be pretty. I need to be clever. I need to be a different person.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

I barely even know you, but I know you well enough to see what a fake little cunt you are. You “attempted suicide” as a cry for fucking attention. When someone does something so serious, they keep it to themselves, they don’t tell every single person they could think of. They don’t brag about it. They don’t sit there and think they own everyone, and feel like they have the right to judge others and make out that their life is 100 x worse than everyone else’s. You’re a fucking dickhead. You don’t know a good thing when you see it. You’re pathetic. And it’s really sad that you felt the need to attempt to ruin a life that so many other people envy and would love to have. So many people care about you and that was shown when you practically shouted out what you’d supposedly done to the whole wide world. I hate you and even that wasn’t good enough. You’re still here destroying others lives because you couldn’t get what you want. He was my best fucking friend. He was the only person in this whole world I ever learnt to trust. I mean absolutely nothing to him now, not one thing. Because of you. You had to worm your fucking way in and take him from me. But you don’t stop there and I know it. I’m not prepared to let you win without putting up a fight, I fucking hate you.

I am so fucking fed up of you taking everything I have away from me. I can’t have anyone to myself. I can’t have other friendships without you interfering, becoming better friends with them then I’ll ever be. Whenever I like someone, you worm your way in and fuck it all up. I can’t have anyone to myself and you’re meant to be my fucking best friend. I make a joke with someone, and you take it and try to make it 100 times better and make me out to look like a dickhead. I don’t understand the way you work and I don’t get why you want to take everything I have away from me? I can’t have anything any more and I don’t understand why you claim to be my best friend yet treat me this way. You self diagnosed yourself and that makes me feel sick. Everything you ever do, has to be better than what I do. If I’m having a bad day, yours has to be worse. If I get a good grade, you have to of got a better one or achieve more in something else. It’s like you want to compete against me and I don’t get it. We’re meant to be friends? We’re meant to be proud of each other, help each other, be there. I can’t remember the last time you were there for me. I can’t even trust you. Whatever it was I told you, I confided in you, you’d tell someone else, mock me, joke about something I thought was serious and you’d hurt my feelings. It’s like you want me gone. It’s like you envy me which is ridiculous because there’s nothing to envy, not one thing. You’re meant to be my fucking best friend, but I don’t even have that any more. Fuck you.

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i’m going to turn this blog into my online diary so to the very few (30) people that follow me, you’ll probably want to unfollow. it won’t be interesting, i just want somewhere to write out how i feel because i think it will help me.

i think it will help me to not want to die as much.

i really really fucking miss you

and i wish you hadn’t pushed me like this

i don’t know what’s wrong with you

or if it’s me

but you messed me up

in the head

you played games with me 

and left me with no answers

and when i asked you for the truth you played the sympathy card

you claimed you lied to protect me

because you didn’t want me to get attatched

you let me in 

and you hurt me

and i’ll never forgive

and i certainly will never forget.

i’ve decided

i don’t think i want to die

i just want to move away

forget everyone i know

and start again

until then

i’ll cut